I Am A Living Paradox (Pt.2)

I have a somewhat decomposed view of human personality and identity. Though not quite, I believe we are all schizophrenic in the way we consciously and/or subconsciously take and convey many persona to our surroundings. Take me for an example. I had a close friend of mine confess her lack of understanding of my character and me as a person. Though this was not a form of criticism at my person, It certainly made me think.

I already explored the idea of ‘Who am I?’ in the first part but I want to explore it deeper with me as reference. For a close friend of 2 nearly 3 years to call me a mystery was truly the greatest and worst statement that had ever been spoken to me. I prize myself in being a preserved individual. I am the kind of guy who would rather go for a walk than go to a party. I like being alone; in fact, I love being alone. This though has arisen as of late.

A few years ago, I prized myself as being a social elite. By that I mean I had no set friendship group. I knew everyone and all accepted me. The happy, always smiling me that took nothing too seriously. I hated being alone, I couldn’t stand it.

So why the change? Am I simply maturing? or has this all been a facade?  With this break in identity, I inevitably adopted both identities as they were the strongest. I would be happy at school/college where I normally am and always was sociable and took everything lightly. ‘I have a great smile which truly portrays happiness’ so I am told. As soon as I leave this environment I become the ‘lone-wolf’ character; the shut-in. I keep to myself till dawn and switch masks to embark on another lie.

Have I truly lost it? “Who are you?” Frankly, I don’t know. I cannot know for I am trying to find out myself. All I know is that I truly have adopted various masks for various environments.

Then it came to me during on of my weekly strolls in the wilderness. THEY ARE ALL ME! Every single person or mask which I adopt is a feature, a characteristic of me. I am simply decomposing them to suit various emotional needs. So did that friend truly know me? Did the question arise from seeing different persona at different times or am I truly delusional? Am I losing it?

I don’t know who I am, but everything you see is me. Like a 1000 jigsaw puzzle pieces, you see different parts of me. I truly hope that I can complete this puzzle for I can feel the pieces slowly falling from my grasp. I need to find myself before I lose my sense of identity.



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