Suspended in mid-air: a surreal experience

I’ve been left an empty shell, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a drone. Slowly moving through life on auto-pilot, day-by day, seeing the sunrise and set, seeing my finger reach the ‘on’ button on my laptop only to see it once more at what seems to be a few minutes later. Mostly silent, the extrovert has been converted to an introvert, escaping human contact unless socially demanded or required. But why am I making this personal?…

Death.

It has different effects on people. A close friend, a good friend, a happy friend. Why? I imagine myself in his shoes, at his last hour, last minutes, last second. Sitting in silence, I close my eyes only to be met by a powerful black. Darkness. I’ve been afraid to shut my eyes for more than a few seconds, or even sleep. Paralyzed at the thought of never opening them again. Scared of the thought of never apologizing to that girl I upset, or to the guy I shunned or insulted or to you, you whom I should have smiled more at. Why am I making this personal?…

I’m scared.

That’s the simple fact. I’m scared. Scared for me, scared for how you’re dealing with it, or how they are. I’m scared. Take away the ‘I’m’ and the sentence becomes a lone adjective. Meaningful yet meaningless. We humans are surrounded by death but are only truly rocked to the core when it happens closely to those around us. Are we that self-centered to only realise the depth and weight of this occurrence? Regardless of how frequent it happens in the world? I suppose this all makes sense. It is not that we are desensitised by death, but live on with the memories of those who have passed to become stronger, to not live aimlessly… right?…

I lack the resolve or the assurance to truly come to terms with this idea. Believable, yes, applicable, indeed. Incredibly difficult? Absolutely. But I guess that’s what makes us human right? The ability and strength to not only rely on ourselves but on others to be strong in dire times.

Excuse my late night thoughts. I am doing everything possible to not fall asleep. Deeply suspended, I unravel these words in my head that have clogged up my thoughts since he, the nicest guy I had the pleasure to meet, passed on.

A confused, scared, lone spec of dust.

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