It’s all my fault

I’m sorry, because it’s all my fault.

It’s all my fault that I haven’t figured out who I am yet

because surely “only you can know your true self”.

It’s all my fault that the moment I think I know what I want in life, something proves me wrong.

How arrogant of me.

 

I’m sorry, because it’s all my fault.

It’s all my fault that my parents have to wait another 3 years to chase the dreams they put on hold to raise me, educate me, and await my graduation into adulthood.

They drone on through their lives filled with complaints and endless laborious jobs,

stacking shelves with a can here and a jar there, a year here and another year there.

 

I’m sorry, because it’s all my fault.

It’s all my fault that people find it hard to know the real me because of how complicated I am.

I don’t know the “real” me so why do you want to bother?

Apathetic thoughts embed themselves in once happy grins and emotions.

Eating their way through until all left standing is an emotionless hollow corpse wallowing in depression, in anxiety, and despair.

 

It’s all my fault that I can’t control these thoughts and emotions,

and it’s all my fault that I’m too obsessive about controlling these thoughts and emotions.

It’s also my fault that I’m too nice, and also my fault that I’m not nice enough.

Branded with an ulterior motive when I’m too invested in someone,

and selfish when too invested in myself.

 

So please don’t mind my dazed state,

don’t mind these confused words and sentences,

don’t mind the plastic emotion,

and don’t mind my rhythmic and lifeless steps,

because it’s all my fault.

alivingparadox

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