I miss Panic.
Forget butterflies she could make my heart race faster than it’s ever been.
Yet so calculated.
As if she knew I could only handle so much of her.
A daring drug mule.
And I was her sole customer.
4 doses at once. The kick’s better that way.
Kaleidoscopic journeys, her the shepherd, I the lost lamb. Only there were no big bad wolves where we were going,
only my wild daring dominatrix Panic.
I mean what else could I do but jump in bed when she came unannounced?
“Come. Wash over me, hurry up and take me” I would recite so attentively.
She made me think of infinite possibilities of our break-up just so I could cherish her there and then. And oh was she right…
I miss her rushing to my head and nestling in her shrine. I miss her telling me I could be anything I wanted. Literally anything.
I miss how that terrified me.
I miss the way my blood responded to her calling, as if a flood were racing through minuscule trenches and shifting the hurt around. Because it was always an infinite ride with Panic. No pee breaks. Just full throttle.
I guess you never know what you have till it’s gone.
So this is an ode to you my love. Whoever you are with, may they cherish you the way my body didn’t know how.
Relaxed, welcoming, and ready to overdose.